The Story of THE Chair

Once upon a time there was a beautiful girl with hazel eyes and long blonde hair (it may have been brown at the time - she changes her hair color a lot). Her name was Dani. One day, Dani was flipping through a Pottery Barn catalog while dreaming of her prince charming (his name was Brandt) and the home they would fill with all this great furniture. She saw a picture of a beautiful chair. It was love at first sight. It was the Comfort Grand Swivel Glider and it was beautiful.

 

♪ Isn't she lovely? Isn't she beautiful? ♫

It was classy, clean, and charismatic (and the white fabric was not at all impractical). It was absolutely perfect. In short, it was THE chair. She knew that someday that chair would have a place in the nursery and she would sit in it as she rocked her babies and sang them to sleep. She quickly added it to her wish list, knowing that she had some time to convince Prince Charming that $650 was a small price to pay for THE chair.

Years later, Dani and her prince charming found that they were expecting their first child. They immediately began making preparations and Dani remembered THE chair. Sadly, their finances were not what Dani expected they would be as Prince Charming decided to go back to school and pursue a Master's Degree. Plus he's a little bit stingy and didn't see the charisma that Dani saw in the Comfort Grand Swivel Glider. But she didn't give up hope; there had to be a way if she scrimped elsewhere that she could get her chair. They could eat Ramen noodles for a year if need be. There was still hope. But on one gloomy, rainy, no-good, awful bad day, she got online to gaze longingly at THE chair and noticed that those no-good Pottery Barn bandits had raised the price of her chair substantially. She quickly did the math in her head on her trusty TI-30X calculator and found that with the ottoman plus slipcovers and delivery charges, her chair would cost over $2000. She then calculated how many years of eating Ramen noodles it would take to cover the costs. It was then that her little flicker of hope burned out.

Distraught and angry as she was, Dani pressed on in her preparations for baby boy. She allowed herself to purchase the Kingston Nursery Bedding as a consolation for losing her beloved chair (plus it was on sale and she is a sucker for a good sale). Things were ok; she moved on from the disappointment of THE chair and began researching other chairs that could do the same job.

A few weeks passed, and Prince Charming informed Dani that he would be gone for about four days on a business endeavor (aka saving the world from noxious weeds during the day and camping out at night with his BLM comrades). At 5:45 am on a Monday morning, he kissed Dani goodbye and headed out for the week on his trusty steed (aka four-wheeler). That night after work, Dani was feeling lonely and didn't feel like going home to an empty castle. So she decided to stop by the local DownEast Outfitters and browse around. DownEast is an outlet store that carries discounted merchandise from name-brand stores, including Pottery Barn. It was a beautiful, clear, sunny day and her spirits were high. Little did she know her spirits were about to get much higher.

Within thirty seconds of walking into the store, Dani's eyes caught something gazing at her from about thirty yards away. It had a very familiar look, as if she had seen it somewhere before. She cautiously approached. As she came into full view of the item, she gasped in surprise and wonder. It was THE chair's cousin, the Charleston Convertible Rocker. The resemblance to his cousin was uncanny. He was dressed in the same white slipcover and was ever so dashing. She carefully seated herself and knew instantly that she was in love. She closed her eyes as she rocked and imagined Charleston in her nursery, gently rocking her baby to sleep. She knew she had to take him home with her. She tentatively searched for a price tag, afraid of what she would find. With shaking fingers, she turned it over in her hands. Lo and Behold, it was a steal of a deal!!! MUCH cheaper than if she were to buy it from an actual Pottery Barn store. She tried to find something wrong with the chair to explain why it was so much cheaper, but alas, there was nothing wrong with it other than some black smudging at the bottom of the slipcover - nothing that a little Oxy-Clean couldn't handle. It had become - THE chair.

Frantically, Dani waved down a salesman. She didn't want to leave THE chair for fear that some bad guys would steal it right from under her. Finally, a tall, dark, handsome salesman walked over and asked if she needed any assistance. She grilled him about the chair. He informed her that in the two years that he had been working there, he had never seen rocking chairs come into their store. This was, as it would seem, a once in a blue-moon occurrence. It was meant to be.

Dani didn't know what to do. Normally, she would consult with Prince Charming first on such a big purchase. But he was unavailable for the next four days. Her chair would most likely be swiped by bandits by then. She had to make an executive decision. She took a deep breath, squeezed her eyes tightly shut, and handed the handsome salesman her debit card (but not before trying to knock a few bucks off the price, but to no avail).

Now, how to get it home? Being very much with-child, Dani didn't see how she was going to get this lovely purchase home all by herself. The handsome salesman was a bit greedy and wanted $45 to deliver it for her - even though she lived less than a half-mile away. No thanks, she told him; she would wait for her Big Strong Man to get back from saving the world from noxious weeds to come and carry it for her. The now-not-so-handsome salesman agreed to hold it until Thursday.

Thursday rolled around and as soon as Prince Charming arrived home, they jumped in the car and drove the half-mile to DownEast. He inspected Dani's purchase (although there wasn't much he could do about it by this point - the store only offers in-store credit if you want to return anything), found it to his liking, and, being the Big Strong Man that he is, picked it up with one hand and carried it to the car.

At home, Brandt immediately unwrapped it for a closer look.

Lucky for Dani, Brandt approved her spontaneous purchase. He agreed that Charleston would be a welcome addition to the family and a great fixture in the nursery. He would fulfill the important task of rocking their babies to sleep. He kissed Dani and praised her for her beauty, brilliance, and fine shopping skills.

♪ Isn't he lovely? Isn't he beautiful? ♫

 After soaking in some Oxy-Clean, the slipcover was as bright and white as ever. Dani accessorized with a beautiful blue throw she got on clearance and Charleston was all set and ready to go. Now they just needed to await the arrival of the young prince. And I'm sure the young prince, his parents, and THE chair lived happily ever after.