My Nemesis

I like to consider myself a handyman. Heck, I worked for Gary D. Jones Construction in high school...vacuuming floors. Hmm...bad example but, if something breaks, I can fix it. Granted I have my limitations: plumbing, electrical, framing, carpentry, concrete, tile, roofing, drywall, hammering, gluing, stapling, cutting, measuring...hmm where were we? Oh yeah, I am a handyman. You see there was a little project around the apartment a few weeks ago that would appear to the untrained eye as something simple.  Something you would call a beginner's task. What was it?

A towel rod.

Don't let the simplicity of the name or task fool you. I dare Bob Vila, Tim the Toolman Taylor, Norm Abram, and the entire cast of "Ask This Old House" COMBINED to tackle this demonic towel rod with the same expert skill and efficiency that was produced by my tough and callused hands. Let's start at the beginning.

Just as I am quite the handyman I am quite the heavyman. Apparently, one too many leans on the ol' towel rod to wipe my feet while getting out of the shower to keep the wife happy and the floors dry took its toll on the holder of towels. Yes, one day I am getting out of the shower and my 210 pound body yanks the thing right out of the wall, nails, screws, the whole bit. Thus, we were faced with attempt one at fixing what has now become My Nemesis.

Attempt One (you'd like to think this would be the first and only, oh young grasshopper you have much to learn): Gary D. would be ashamed at this first attempt, but let's face it I am a busy guy. It's not like I attend school from home, don't have a job, or kids. I've got things to do and places to be, Middle Earth to save and well, you get the picture. So this first attempt was a quick fix that I thought would work. Basically I lined up the holes in the wall with the nails that were protruding from the back of the towel rod.  Well, My Nemesis had held up just fine for many months until this point so I figured why not try the same tactic. (In my defense I am quite limited on tools and handyman supplies) Thus, I applied a little wood glue to the nails and back of the wood and shoved it back into place. This seemed to hold quite well. I gave it a few hours to dry and life went on. It held the towels and I was the hero. This lasted a day or two until I got out of the shower, leaned on the towel rod, and...

it pulled out of the wall again! You're shocked I know.

Attempt Two: This time I meant business, I suggested to the wife that we purchase some new screws but she suggested Liquid Nails. "That is why I keep you around." I said, and proceeded with the Liquid Nails which I luckily had some leftover from making Dani's mirror some time ago. This liquid nails is tough stuff and being a good handyman, I "thoroughly" read the instructions and discovered that I had a ten minute working time. I spread a hefty bead of glue on the back and stuck it to the wall. It stuck really well and felt strong. To ensure that I wouldn't have the fiasco happen again I taped it in place and let it stay for the night. The next day I pulled off the tape...it held, we put our towels on it...it held, and I was the hero again. We left for the weekend and I gave no thought to My Nemesis. It had been conquered; there were new mountains to climb.

While we were gone it fell again.

This time it fell completely of its own free will. I was beginning to think this was no ordinary towel rod. I didn't understand. This Liquid Nails is supposed to be the bee's knees, the fish's fins, heck, even the cat's meow for gluing things together. (Just ask the retaining wall holding back hundreds of pounds of dirt that my dad and I built two summers ago which is still standing) Why didn't it work? Upon further inspection  of the glue, I discovered that you have a ten minute working time but should allow a 72 hour curing time.

Whoops.

Bob and Norm would be disappointed. Tim would have done the same thing. "Well that's OK" I said, "live and learn, I will just do the same thing and allow it to dry longer." You would think by this point I would have learned not to do the same thing that had failed once already. What's that definition for insanity again?

Attempt Three: Basically I repeated attempt two but gave My Nemesis much more time to cure. In fact I gave it a whole week. When sitting on the throne you are forced to stare at the towel rack directly in front of you, not a foot from your face. I would sit and stare at it. My Nemesis would stare intently back, a slight dent  in the middle forming a little smile as it bent upward at the ends, mocking me.  So, I gave it a week and once again removed the tape holding it up...it held, we hung up our towels...it held, we left for the weekend in Jackson Hole...it fell while we were gone.

Upon our return from the joy-filled weekend I went to use the facilities, the towel rod long forgotten. I opened the door and it was on the ground again. WHY!!?? I yelled. In the other room Dani began to laugh, she had already seen it but left the little surprise all for me.

Here it is, showing the ruthless carnage of Liquid Nails left in its wake.

Attempt Four: By this point I knew this was no ordinary towel rod. No, it must have been created in the deepest pit and forged in the fiery furnace of hell (which made sense why it kept falling to the ground, it was trying to return to its master). It meant business, but so did I. I took no prisoners as I went to town (which is true, I traveled alone) in search of a way to keep this towel rod of Hades stuck to my wall.  I found it... HA HA HA I blurted out in my own sadistic voice on aisle twelve of the Home Depot as the lights dimmed and thunder rolled (and yes I said Home Depot and not Lowe's, but that is another story for another time). With eager haste I returned home with my secret weapon: four 50-pound test anchor bolts. Once home, I put each of these screws into My Nemesis which seemed to scream out in pain with each twist of the screwdriver as I performed my exorcism. Finally, sweat dripping down my face, it was stuck to the wall, straight, and holding well. I put a towel on it...

it held, I put another towel on it...

it held!

Hallelujah! I was the hero once more! Stuck to the wall with four 50-pound test anchor bolts, My Nemesis was reduced back to a simple towel rod. Well, a simple towel rod that can now hold 200 pounds but, a towel rod nonetheless. Who's your Daddy?

The Finished Product! (Bet you can't guess which towel is mine and which is Dani's)

 

 You could do pull ups on this baby! (but I wouldn't recommend it)

Attempt 5: Just kidding! For now...